- – - – - – - – - – 0-9 – - – - – - – - – -

5 Second Rule – This does not exist.

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Code [Color] – This is the official alarm code with colors corresponding to the urgency level a topic holds.

• Code Yellow: The least alarming code, but requiring urgent attention nonetheless. This is usually fixed with hand sanitizer.
  Example – I just touched the bus handle. Code Yellow.
• Code Orange: A moderately alarming code. This usually means that danger is imminent or already in progress.
  Example – I just shook the hand of someone I know doesn’t wash their hands. Code Orange.
• Code Red: A full alarm, where the most urgent attention is required to stave off infection disaster.
  Example – A pigeon just swiped me and drew blood. CODE RED.
• Code White: This code is reserved for full-blown Pandemics, the proverbial Defcon 5 of the Germaphobe’s Code scale. The 1918 Spanish Flu was the last time this code was used. Do not use lightly.

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Downwind Stalls/Urinals – These are toilets that are either on the wrong side of an angled floor, or are near a drain. Avoid these at all costs.

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Gap Plugging – The act of placing toilet paper over areas not covered by a toilet seat liner.

Germ Chamber – An enclosed, inescapable area which is either being or is completely covered in germs. The name is derived from gas chambers in Nazi concentration camps.

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Home Base – This is the bathroom that is at “home.” This is a misleading concept to some, as home base isn’t necessarily your home, but rather the currently accessible bathroom which meets your individual approval. While this location can change, there can only be one at any given time. Usually this is your home or apartment, but if you were on vacation, this may be your hotel’s bathroom.

Hovering – The act of suspending oneself over a toilet seat to avoid contact with it. This is risky and hard on the thighs, but necessary when toilet liners are either not present, or will not help. Working squats into your exercise routine is recommended.

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The Mitt – The technique of using a dry paper product (or other flexible material) as a barrier between your hand and a germ-infested object. The classic example is of using a paper hand towel to open the door handle of a restroom so that the germaphobe may properly exit after having washed his/her hands. Keep in mind that wet towels will transfer germs from the handle directly to your hand. Only a dry one will do.

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Pillow Buffer – A pillow buffer is the technique of using a towel or other clean fabric to cover an unclean pillow. Generally this is necessary when forced to use a pillow that is not your own.

Pocket Swipe – The technique of sanitizing one’s hand with hidden sanitizer/sanitary wipe. This is especially useful after physical interaction (such as a handshake) where it would be inappropriate to sanitize in front of the other person.

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Safety Assessment – The act of judging the cleanliness of everyone in your immediate area. This should be used whenever entering any situation where you may be forced to make contact with people.