The following is a collection of tips to help you survive when Home Base is not an option.

+Step 1 – Intelligence
Know your options.

You may have access to multiple restrooms in any such emergency, and some are either used less or are better maintained than others. It is useful to apply stereotypes in these situations.

For example: My first job out of college was as a video game tester, but I figured to never use the restroom on the testing floor of the building. I’m not trying to say anything about a game tester, but I know you’ve seen that movie Grandma’s Boy. I had success in sticking to restrooms that were used by the marketing people.

+Step 2 – Surveillance
When you have committed to using a bathroom, be aware of your surroundings. Is that water on the ground or what? Are there weird, unsanitary smells of any kind? If you think the drop zone is too hot, you should really assess the urgency of your predicament.

It might not be worth it!

+Step 3 – Making the Right Choice
Not all urinals and stalls are created equal. Terrain, location and size are all factors here. Avoid Downwind Stalls and Urinals, as this is likely to be an invisible cesspool of someone’s bad aim. When picking a stall to use, you should always go for the smaller one if logistically possible. Large, roomy stalls are generally more popular, which is not a good thing in a public restroom.

+Step 4 – Employ Sanitary Tactics
Now that you are at your desired depository of waste, what now? It’s good to keep these handy tricks in mind:

• Always use a toilet seat liner. If there is a hole or uncovered portion of the toilet seat, engage in Gap Plugging with toilet paper. In the event of no seat liners or if the toilet seat is wet, Hovering will be required.
• When using a urinal, make sure your stream does not land perpendicular to the point of contact. This creates an unavoidable rebounding of urine which will get on you. I recommend using the lower stall (if it’s not downwind) to get a more parallel angle.
• When it’s time to wipe, discard a minimum of three sections of toilet paper. Statistics show that these first three sections are most likely to be dirty, as these have been manipulated by other hands. Better yet, if you see an unopened roll of toilet paper (open the metal container if needed), use those. It’s an important step since it’s still socially unacceptable to wash your behind like you would your hands.

+Step 5 – Don’t Touch Anything!
Now that you’re done, avoid the toilet handles at all costs. If it isn’t an automatically flushing toilet, it is suggested that you kick the handle with the bottom of your foot to flush.

Next, be mindful of the soap dispenser. Using an unexposed elbow to dispense the soap is the key here. In the event of no soap, revert to your standard issue hand sanitizer. This same method applies to non-automatic towel dispensers and air dryers.

You’re clean, and now there’s one more hurdle – the door. Most bathroom doors open into the bathroom which doesn’t help us, or else you can push the door open with a knee or foot. Upon drying your hands, grab another dry towel (must be dry! using your wet one will transmit the germs!) , wrap the handle, and pull. A considerate bathroom design will include a trashcan right next to the door so the towel can be discarded without reentering the bathroom. Please lobby your facilities manager if this is not the case.